What's YOUR Market Value?

What would you say the market value is these days for a blow job? No, really? Among the sexually active populous (whether you are single and dating, or boo'd up), what do you think the proper rate of exchange is for giving or expecting to receive some head? I'm oversimplifying here (maybe), but isn't that what sex, or the traditional pursuit of sex rather, really boils down to?

Guys want sex. Women want sex. So you would think that obtaining said sex would be a simple matter of a guy walking up to a girl (or vice versa) and saying, "Hey. Want to have sex with me?" But it's not that simple. Why? What complicates the situation? Respect. Throw any possible desires to be in a relationship out the door for a moment. Try not to think about this in terms of relationships. The need to be respected complicates the situation…and I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

Women (most of them at least) want to be respected, or they want a man to give the impression that he respects her so that she at least feels respected. Or maybe this is just what men think (ah ha!). I won't presume to know exactly what women think. But I do know that the reality (or the perception…whichever it is) of this scenario makes for the exchange rate I asked about earlier. The social dynamic of our culture is such that, for women, their bodies are paramount. For better or for worse, their bodies "are their temples", right? And so, when it comes to the social dynamic of sex, a woman giving of her body is typically a big deal. And men know that. So in a nutshell, a man must also give of that which he values the most. And there's the rub.

A hypothetical woman is looking to be respected before she gives her body to a man, which means she looks for signs that a man is giving or sacrificing a reasonable amount (according to her scale) to deserve her body. The complication (aside from how long that last sentence was) is that she has to understand what a man values as much as she values her own body. And that's tricky, because contrary to popular opinion, all men think differently. And…all women perceive what men value differently. For some it's money, for some it's their time, for some it's their car. Anyway, this is turning into the longest tangent ever.

Here's what I'm getting at. Sex is sex…it's a mutual exchange. Sure, the perception we've been taught in our society is that when it comes to sex, the woman is sacrificing her body, and the man is getting more out of the deal than the woman. But f*ck that…and if you believe that, pretend that's not true for a moment.

Head, however, is not a mutual exchange. You don't mutually exchange head (unless it's a 69). Even if it's a 'you do me and then I'll do you' scenario, somedamnbody has to go first. Somebody has to "submit" to the other person first, and thus take the "risk" losing respect…which is utter bullsh!t IMO. Even if you LOVE giving head (God bless you, btw), you're still aware of that dynamic.

So again, I ask you: Ladies, what does a man have to do over a reasonable period of dating (whatever that is for you…2 dates, 2 months etc) before you say to yourself, "You know what? I'mma give this brutha some head." And don't lie and say that he has to eat you out first. And fellas, how much do you give of your most valued thing (your time, money, creativity etc.) before you start expecting some head? What do you value most, anyways? I know I value my time the most. That's the biggest thing I can give to a woman…my time and attention.

Don't be shy. Tell 'em how you feel.

It's Only Sex

You know what…let me say this: There are several reasons to have sex with someone. You're in love. You're just horny. You think he's sexy in that suit. You like the electric blue, patent leather heels she wore to work. You're desperate. You're drunk. You have a "plug" and she has a "socket". It feels good and you just want to feel good right now. Your neighbor needs a ride to work and ain't NOTHIN' free in this world. Or maybe you found yourself cash-poor at a very inconvenient time, and you gotta do what you gotta do. These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to have sex with someone. But here's the thing. Be able to distinguish between each situation, or else you are going to end up hurt.


You know how in the game Tic Tac Toe, you're trying to get three X's or three O's in a row?...horizontally, vertically, or diagonally? Well that has nothing to do with this…I mean, nothing at all.

I talked to a homegirl yesterday who had recently given up the twat (I love the word "twat"…it sounds SO dirty) to a fellow she was dating. Now, her young mister has decided that he doesn't have to call her as frequently. And naturally, this has upset her. So she asked me if she should be upset about the situation, and she is feeling like maybe she shouldn't have had sex with him yet. My response to this was simple: Don't have sex of any kind with a guy who isn't YOUR man unless you're ok with the idea that he's not committed to you…which means he's not obligated to visit, call, take you out on dates etc at any particular frequency. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a bad thing. At all. It doesn't mean don't have casual sex. Casual sex is good. It just means that you have to keep your expectations in check. Her situation is/was only a problem because she expected it to become more than it is/was. Aside from that, there is nothing wrong with dude just being a friend that she sees (read: has sex with) on occasion. Everyone you have sex with doesn't have to be your future boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. And everyone you're initially attracted to doesn't have to end up being more than easy access sex.
Brothas, we're not exempt from this issue, btw. It's not just a woman's problem. We have hang-ups with this shit too…it just plays out differently. While we don't usually find ourselves regretting having sex with a woman "too soon" (whatever that means), we DO attach expectations to women that we're sleeping with just like women attach expectations to men. But that's another blog.

Anyway, the root of this issue, IMO, is twofold. The first is what I mentioned earlier about knowing the difference between the various reasons there are for a person to have sex, and understanding which category you're falling into that night. The second is a matter of perspective. If you've been reading my blogs these past few years, you know that I think it is a HUGE mistake for a woman to view the act of sex as her "giving up" something or giving something to the guy…something that she should otherwise be trying to withhold. Why? Because that makes her expect something in return…even if that is only an expectation of his behavior. Instead a woman (men too) should look at sex as a mutual exchange. Two people (or 3 if you're lucky) having a physical exchange for that moment. And I'm referring to the most basic sense. Of course it can be more complicated. Of course it can be an emotional and spiritual exchange as well. The same rules still apply though…it's a mutual exchange. You should expect nothing more. AND IF YOU DO EXPECT MORE, then there should be NO sex UNLESS dude KNOWS you expect more, and he is all-in on that idea with you (meaning, he's down to meet those expectation).

So what's the point? The point is we let sex complicate things. If you want a commitment of some sort from someone, don't make sex the operating factor in the equation. It shouldn't be the main objective, and it should not be the indicator of whether or not someone loves you or is committed exclusively to you. Again, I'm not saying don't have sex. I'm saying that it shouldn't determine the outcome of the situation….in either direction.

Aight, I think that's all I wanted to say. What do y'all think? Am I downplaying sex? Do y'all think it's more/less important to a relationship-ish situation? Do y'all understand what I mean when I say that this isn't just a woman's problem?

Scream at me!