I like to know what I'm getting into so I can be prepared…all the time. This means I always need a plan. Or should I say, "I need to plan?" Surprises? I hate 'em. See, I'm uncomfortable when I go into a situation blindly or when I go into a situation unprepared. So I always have to be 'at the ready'. This is the source of a lot of stress for me. It's a personality trait, and at times, it is a flaw. Do you realize how stressful it is?...to constantly be "ready" for whatever happens? It is absolutely exhausting. And for me, it applies to major situations and to the trivial. I'll give you an example.
Ever been invited to a friend's house for a gathering, and by the way they talk about the event, it's just going to be you and yours, and maybe another 2 to 4 people? You accept the invitation, but when you show up, there are 10 to 15 people there that you hadn't planned on being around, and at least 8 of which you don't even know. Some people may think that's a minor hiccup. But that seemingly trivial situation makes me a bit uncomfortable. It's not that there are 8 or so random mofos there that I don't know, it's the fact that I wasn't mentally prepared to meet 8 new people. So for at least a moment, the air is a little thick to me…the walls start closing in, and the room gets a little smaller and warmer. Sound strange or can you relate?
Understand what I'm saying here. If my homie calls me and says, "Yo, I'm throwing a party. You should come through." I'm game! And I'm prepared to run into hundreds of unfamiliar bastids because it's a party! I'm mentally ready for the situation. No problem. It's the difference between what is expected that makes me uncomfortable.
That scenario is one of many. And this "lesson" I've learned about myself is also one of many.
It's funny what you learn about yourself as you get older. Every time I overhear some 21-year-olds talk about what they want and what they know, I can't help but chuckle to myself. You're so certain at that age, aren't you…so sure? Everything is absolute in your mind. It's either black or it's white…no gray area at all. The thing is, you don't know sh*t when you're that young. You haven't even fully learned yourself yet…not even in the physical sense. You don't know what you like, only what you've been told to like. You don't know what you're into, who you're compatible with, or what makes you tic. You really don't even fully understand your sexuality…what things you like that make your blood simmer in the throes of passion. You have no idea what you're doing. Yet…you're so sure. You plow through your life with a foolish boldness and confidence. Because that's who you are - - before the realities of the life experience begins to replace your blind, bold confidence with caution and anxiety. That's who you are before you find out that being a grown-up is at least as full of responsibility as it is with conquest. That's who you are before you realize how much your dream lifestyle is actually going to cost…before you realize that your ability to curl the opposite sex's toes isn't even half of the battle. I envy and pity them simultaneously.
So as I knock on the door of 30 (F*ck! I'll be 30 in less than a year!? Where did the time go?!), I have become more accepting of some things. At the moment, none of those things are bigger than this one realization: I can NOT be prepared for everything, and damnit I'm going to stop trying to do so. Don't get me wrong…I'll prepare for the things that are necessary, just not EVERY single aspect of my life. I am going to master the art of taking it as it comes. It's high time I roll with the punches. As often as I can be, I'll be a leaf on the wind…a buoy on the sea.
Maybe I'll find some unexpected fun. After all, part of the joy of life is the adventure that results from delving into the unknown. I'd like to shake my "preparation addiction" before I have kids. I hear that parents discover new things through their children's eyes and experiences. If that's true, I'd hate to ruin that by being ready for every surprise. This is going to be a good thing for me. At the very least, I'll be less stressed.
So. Tell me what you don't like have learned about yourself.
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