Here I am again…cold glass of Cognac on the rocks, the new Dwele spinnin' in the background, and the computer in front of me. It feels like old times.
Maybe you've heard me say this before, but it's ironic how fragile relationships are...Even marriage. In fact, especially marriage. Don't get me wrong…I'm not saying it's a house of cards. When I say "fragile", I don't mean that any little thing could end it. Marriage, done the right way (if there is such a thing), is quite the opposite. It can withstand many things. BUT all relationships are a bit delicate when it comes to things being said and feelings being hurt. The wrong thing said, or even the right thing said the wrong way, definitely affects the vibe. It's like throwing a stone into a pond. The stone doesn't hurt the pond really, but the ripples on the surface go on for quite a while.
Which brings me to today's topic: Full disclosure. A lot of people talk the talk about the clear and honest truth. And on the other hand, a lot of people say that one shouldn't ask questions that one does not want the answers to. But the fact is, reality is somewhere in between.
You see, no one really ever wants the whole truth about everything. We only think we do. Sure, you might want to know the general gist of things. But rarely is the case that you want to know the details…particularly when those details might be painful. I'll give you an example. One of my boys is getting married this year. He's having his bachelor party in Las Vegas. Now, he's going to go to Vegas, have a great time with the boys, and do the things that a bachelor-to-be does at his bachelor party. When he comes back home, though, his fiancé will surely ask how the trip was. And she'll continue to dig and dig and dig for information until she inevitably learns something about the trip that will upset her and cause turmoil in the relationship. And she'll either retaliate somehow in some form, or she'll at least throw those details in his face every time she gets a chance. THAT is full disclosure…telling someone EVERYthing.
How about another example? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl date. Boy and girl have sex. Boy and girl have sex regularly, and things start to get serious. At some point, boy and girl have "the talk" about their respective sexual pasts. And it is here that boy commits the cardinal sin. He asks girl how many partners she's had or how many dicks she's sucked or some foolish question. In the interest of full disclosure (because she doesn't want to be dishonest), she tells him. And whether she says 5 or 50, the answer makes him nauseous. For the remaining duration of the relationship, that will be an issue between them. THAT is also full disclosure.
Sometimes the painful details of the truth can be unbearable. And we often suffer them unnecessarily as we try to uphold some gold-standard of truth in a relationship. I've learned that you have to decide if some details are important enough to the health of relationship to disclose them or not. You have to understand the worth of the details, whether you're asking the question or being asked the question. If boy really digs girl and she brings him no drama, and she's not a Petri dish of STD's, does it really matter that she has fucked 25 guys over the course of her sexual life? No. It shouldn't, at least. What matters is that boy isn't going to have to run into all of these former lovers, and that she's faithful, and ummm…STD-less. And as for the bachelor…does it really matter what exactly he did during his bachelor party in Vegas as long as he didn't cross any agreed upon lines set forth by his Mrs-to-be prior to the trip? No…it doesn't.
*le sigh* But it's more complicated than just logic, isn't it? Life rarely happens so neatly. Not asking questions that you're not sure you want the answers to is hard. But it's easy when compared to YOU being asked a question by your loving partner and thus having to decide how much of the truth you can withhold without feeling like a lying bastard. The simple fact is that people are messy. Our pasts are messy. Our feelings are messy. Our inner-most desires, urges, and thoughts are MESSY. And while you and your partner are close and share virtually everything with one another, some parts of us are best left tucked under the bed…hidden from plain sight. Granted, I'm not talking about dark secrets that have "fuck up your life" potential. Remember…I'm just talking about details.
In a good relationship, you have the responsibility to be upfront, open, and honest with your partner. But in a great relationship, you also have the responsibility to protect your partner (and the relationship) from their own curiosity. And that doesn't mean you have to lie. But sometimes it means you have to withhold or misdirect or selectively misinform. If you watch internet porn when your woman isn't around, and she might or might not approve of your umm habit, perhaps you are better off not letting her know about it. Sure, she might not have a problem with it. But then again, she might not approve…and not to a point where she wants to break up with you, but only to a point where she makes smug, annoying-ass comments about it to her girlfriends…and your mom. That's one hell of a ripple, right? So why make waves. Just keep it to yourself.
So I'll ask you all…where is that line between a slick, cover-your-ass lie and a loving little half-truth? How do you decide whether or not YOU should disclose all of the details of a particular situation? And what have YOU lied about...ummm...I mean not quite fully disclosed to a mate?
I think that when dealing with issues of full disclosure you really have to put yourself in your mate's shoes. Think about the scenario from their perspective and not just your own. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you HONESTLY feel if your mate was going to keep that exact same thing from you? I feel that if we seriously look at it that way we would have a better measure of what's ok to kinda keep to ourselves and what just isn't. Somethings maybe be difficult to tell your loved one but wouldn't you rather them hear it from you as soon as it happened as opposed to some random person somewhere down the line. Trust it will hurt more if it comes out from another person. The most important thing is think about your mate before you do things. Don't just act because you THINK they will never find out about it. I think that's a main key in determining real love...doing best for that person when they aren't around.
ReplyDeleteThat's good advice, Birdie, and I agree with you in concept. But how practical is what you're saying in practice?
ReplyDeleteSure, there are things that you'd rather your mate not do, but does that mean that they don't have a right to do them? An example (actually, the easiest example that comes to mind) is men going to a gentleman's club. Sure, most women would probably rather their man not go. But that's something that guys do...that guys view as harmless, and so the couple typically compromises on the issue.
I know it sounds like I'm trivializing your comment a bit, but I'm not. The point I'm trying to make is that, in reality, you don't want to know EVERYthing about your mate's doings. You want them to be faithful. You want them to be respectful. But you also want them to have a good time and enjoy their life as an individual when they're away from you.
Personally, I want to be who I am. And I want my mate to be who she is. And I want us to mesh well and be who we are together...as a couple...as a unit. The existence of our individuality and personality traits (be they undesirable or lovable) does not mean our intentions are sinister.
Just a thought...
No that doesn't mean that but I feel like there is a measure to all of these situations. For example...your mate wouldn't normally want you at a gentleman's club but it you went and she found out would it end your relationship...no. But let's say you kissed another chick...could that end your relationship yes. When it all comes down to it you don't really owe anybody anything until it's a marriage relationship and that's real. So I'm just saying be mindful and considerate within reason...don't change who you are as a person but when in a relationship you do have to start thinking more about how your actions affect another person and not just yourself.
ReplyDelete