I was talking to one of my homegirls the other day, whom is also married. We hadn't spoken in a while so we caught up a bit. After I asked her about her husband and whatnot, I decided to ask about a couple of her friends. I'm familiar with some of them, as she's spoken about them throughout our tenure as pals. It went a little something like this:
Goodnight: How's Keri doing these days?
Bee: Oh, her and her guy broke up a while ago. So she's been complaining to me about having to date again (please notice the wording of that phrase, people).
Goodnight: *Cringe* Woo! Can you imagine!? Ugh!
Bee: I know, right! God. Having to get to know somebody again…and go through all of that…again.
Goodnight: And that's best case scenario! You're probably going to just run into a bunch of mu-f*ckas that burn through your patience. I hate people.
Bee: The thing that's annoying is all of that time it takes to find out if y'all are actually compatible.
There was more, but I'll stop here.
Aside from the melodrama that you get when two married-ass-ninjas air their fears of having to be NOT-married again, we began thinking about why the concept seems so haunting. If you talk to most late 20-somethings and early 30-somethings, you'll probably find that they absolutely detest the idea of having to date again. And I guess the operative word here is "again". Dating is fun…when you're 21 and everything is new. But once it has become old-hat, repetitive, emotionally draining, and painful, you kinda just want to skip the intro and get right to the song, so to speak. And that's how you probably feel if you're married, have been boo'd up for any significant amount of time, or if you've become kinda 'done' with dating in general, and thus have gone on strike.
Really, it's a testament to how much hard work goes into making a relationship work, if you think about it. But I digress.
The very thought of actually having to go through the process just makes you nauseous. For some reason, I feel like 28 to 32 year-olds dislike the idea more than oh say someone in their early 40's would. Why? Because if you have to 'get back out there' at 40 after being boo'd up or flat out on strike for the past 10 years, at least there's the possibility of some newness. At least you have had time to get bored with not-dating. And the game has probably had time to change (I guess), and that also is enough time for there to be some new folks on the market. I'm not saying a 40 year old would love the idea of having to date again, but I feel like there's room for more excitement in that case. If you're 29, you probably haven't been fed up with dating for too long (2 to 4 years, tops). Dating again would be the equivalent of getting back in the shower 3 minutes after you've gotten out and already toweled yourself down. Now you gotta get wet again. The first shower felt great, but damn, you gotta take another one?! You're ready to get in the bed, already. It ain't gonna kill you - - but WTF, you know?
Anyways, what makes the idea of dating again so scary (read: annoying)? Is it the fear of getting hurt if you open yourself up? Is it that you can't imagine having the patience to meet someone, get to know them, and find out if you're compatible? Or is it more so about having to convince someone else to accept your ass and all of you quirks (read: flaws)? Or does the concept not annoy you at all?
Holla at me!
You make a lot of good points Mr Goodnight, as uusal.
ReplyDeleteI think what I see shining out the most out of this conversation is that three word phrase
'i hate people'.
Some people in this world are natural born socialites. Love to hit up any and every gathering and small talk and 'OMG! really!? your grandmother made that necklace!? Nooooo!!!' Me myself... I can play that role when I feel like it, other times... shut up sit down and either make me a sawwich or be quiet while I watch HBO.
Since i really like my HBO watching in silence these days... starting over with dating is not something I look forward to doing ever.
There is also the fact that as late 20/early 30 somethings a lot of us have a blueprint of where we want to be in life: education wise, career wise, relationship wise, maturity wise. It's as if life is one big planned dinner party. By now... the searching thru recipes is done and we've actually started the cooking process. Food is on the stove and in the oven and done marinating over night. Soon the dinner guests will arrive and want to see what you've been preparing and enjoy the company of you and your family. Are you going to be ready when they show up or did you just realize that meal you thought you had going perfectly just burned or turned up to be disgusting or simply jumped out of the oven and ended up in bed with your cousin Jeff. Now... you have to rush back to the store for more ingredients AFTER you decide what type of dish you are going to replace it with and still try to make it back before the door bell starts ringing.
That would be my concern... do I have time to get it 'right' again and keep on my schedule or is my life going to have to wait until I find the right match again and delay my goals.
tight write
Welcome to the show, brotha!
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with you here. It's about the schedule and the master plan. We all have them, and most guys I know are serious about their master plan. The schedule, although we (men) like/need to stick to it, the ladies have more pressure on them to keep it (that schedule). Biology is a bitch in Stilettos. Starting over in general is disheartening (unless you're about to lose a game in owner mode in NBA 2K10). But starting over really stings when it will effect the master plan.
What's worse is the whole "deciding what dish you'll make to replace it" thing that you mentioned. It's a crucial step because it involves some self-examination. Did I really f*ck that dish up or was it the oven knob? Were my ingredients bad? Did I just not pay enough attention to her...oops...I mean "it". Or was I just shopping at the wrong store? If you don't answer those questions before you choose your next dish, you might mess around and end up back at square one again...again.
Ok this is completely off subject but did you know that Mike Jordan was going to be in NBA 2K11?!! I'm tooo geeked about this, lol! Ok back to the subject at hand....I actually think it's a bit of everything you mentioned. Getting to know people can be super annoying because people front all the time and it usually takes much longer to actually get to know the REAL person because the majority of time you thought you were getting to know them was just a front. Then you're like wth? Who ARE you, lol? So that same old back and forth can be super annoying, lol.
ReplyDeleteMike has been refusing to let games use his likeness and attributes for decades. I'm glad he is down for the cause this time.
ReplyDeletelol @ people frontin'. The funny thing is, we all do it. And by that I mean, very few of are ourselves at full-volume upon first meeting someone. It takes awhile before you give them the fully exposed you. But that's more so a matter of protecting yourself.
But I feel you, people do put up the front, and they do so with bad intentions.
Great Post!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is going through that EXACT scenario right now, I feel that shower analogy!
I think PB hit the nail right on the head, the biggest annoyance is having to put up with people frontin for an X amount of time. Sad thing is...its a necessary evil :-/
I tried just being completely direct about my future plans, my flaws and my expectations from a wife/girlfriend..doesnt work. Ive also recently started running into a good number of women who do the same thing to me. And THAT shit is SCARY! ie. "I dont trust men b/c the last man I dated (and am still in love with and just had drunken sex with last week) did me wrong. Matter fact he looked just like you (cause I have a type) so dont take it too personally if I catch an attitude with you randomly on the phone. Its not about you."...um thanks for the info? :-/
So Ive learned that its might just be a necessary evil to front about yourself for a lil' while, cause showing/tellin someone your "crazy" side IS crazy. Showing someone your crazy side after theyve fallin for "you" (a la your "representative you") makes you "quirky".
I think having to front is more annoying than someone doing it to me. I noticed that I go thru girls alot quicker now. I think "my representative me" is getting better at screening for the girls I want. Because the qualities I enjoyed about my ex, I still enjoy and look for. But if she says this phrase, or feels that way about a subject, we're DONE (whether SHE knows it or not...)! I already know the ending to that one!
Seems like being back on the dating scene is like reading a book I already saw the movie for. Yeah it MIGHT be a better experience...but Im sayin...
You Dirt E bastid!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about the frontin'. The thing is, it's not necessarily frontin'. We're all protective of our feelings/happiness. What we're really doing is feeling each other out...making sure that we doing get too invested too soon AND making sure we don't expose ourselves to too much of someone else's "crazy".
What's scary about getting back out onto the dating scene is that at 30ish, you know the potential outcome. Sure, you may have some good times but you also remember how BAD the bad times can be. It's daunting.
ReplyDeleteI can only speak for myself. I don't like the idea of dating in my 30's because it doesn't sound as appealing as when you were younger (not as wise... haven't been through anything). I just thought if you could do a positive to negative chart about dating at this age. The only positive would be finding that one and the Good Memories if it doesn't work out (only if they out weighed by the bad memories.) The idea of "Sampling" (this is what the pastor calls it)- when you do all the stuff that courting or married people do and then the male or female switches their partner is my main reason why not.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to bring up the how the bible mentions nothing about dating (sampling) but that we should court the well selected one another. I think this means that we need to have several male/female friends and when we know we have found that right friend (the one that calls you all the time, the one that you want to spend all your time with, etc) then you should select one person to courtship- an agreed relationship for a agreed time period towards engagement. I even saw an youtube video were this guy suggested having a convo every three months to discuss the relationship status. If we all just have friends and talk to them nothing but talk...you can find out who they are quicker no more outings (dates) were you don't talk [just a movie]. If you two don't hold good convo. your convo will decrease and the two of you will speak less dissolving the idea of courting with the wrong person.
This sounds so simple but as humans we are creatures of habit, so when we find a new friend we rush to fill in that space that the other person left. We rush back into courting phase without taking the time to getting to know the person as well as we did when we were younger time is short. I have noticed this trend with several of my friends date someone forever and a day and you talk to them the next day and they are talking about another girl/boy friend like they didn't miss a beat on there steps to courting. Most have led into the marriage phase were then they have learned more about each other.
Wrapping it up because I never seem to stay on the point. Dating is not a good selling idea, I am going to stick with meeting guys and talking to them going on outings, it has worked well....for weeding people out and working within a timely manner. I still haven't found the right one but the convo's and outings has been very helpful at figuring out what I like and don't like. It's funny how you can get so irritated with someone's convo, and to just think about past relationships how you use to play over his wack convo with other stuff, ex. maybe he kisses well, etc.
One guy I had was messing with.....we had a deep convo and he just sounded so stupid...I mean like I felt like Keenan Waynes in I'm going to get you Sucker, when he thought he was about to sleep with that sexy woman but she had in contacts, only one leg, a weave and a fake but. This guy had an image of being such a man's man, a man about his business, (a commonsense thug) I knew so many guys that looked up to him but that one convo I had with changed my whole image of him.
Talk to get to know who your dealing with!
Yeah, Brit, that's true. I mean, when things weren't good, they reeeeally sucked. That's the conforting part about being in a good relationships. During the worst arguments, you can always have it in your mind (or at least you should be able to have it in your mind) that you'll get past this rough moment, and y'all will be ok.
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous...
ReplyDeleteI hear what you're saying (I think).
Sampling, as you call it, gets painted negatively. I think in reality though, it's a necessity. You can't get around the fact that, in modern times, where each person has global access to other people, and therefor also has a global variety of people to choose from, selecting the right person has become more paramount than it used to be (or it has at least become more difficult).
To put this in terms of a simple analogy, 100 or even 50 years ago, each individual was relatively limited to their community when it came to dating. Sure there were exceptions. If you were well traveled, you probably had more variety because you had come in contact with more people. But in general, average Joe (or Jane) had to choose from his/her neighbors and classmates. And in such a situation, it's more realistic to uphold a standard that essentially involves being less selective. Because you had LESS to select FROM. But nowadays, someone looking for a mate has their pick of anyone in the world to attempt to court.
Ah yes, the analogy. If you're hungry and all you have in your refrigerator is bacon, milk, and bread...you're probably going to eat bacon, milk, or bread. But if you had chicken, steaks, sausage, broccoli, bell peppers, lemonade, cheese, Tilapia etc. in the refrigerator also, then you're going to have a significantly more difficult time deciding what to eat. And if you've never had half of those things, you're going to want to sample them to get assurance on what you like.
Just as you can't always tell how something will taste by reading the label, you can't always tell how a relationship will be with someone by only talking to them as platonic friends. Sometimes you have to taste it, smell it, feel it, and yes, you might even have to f*ck it (her)...several times, before you know your capacity to commit to it (her)...for that meal or for your lifetime. And that need gets you hurt sometimes, but that's ok. Because sometimes living hurts. People act like you're never supposed to get hurt, or disappointed, or frustrated. But that's wishful thinking, because living isn't always sunshine and chocolate drops.