It's Only Sex

You know what…let me say this: There are several reasons to have sex with someone. You're in love. You're just horny. You think he's sexy in that suit. You like the electric blue, patent leather heels she wore to work. You're desperate. You're drunk. You have a "plug" and she has a "socket". It feels good and you just want to feel good right now. Your neighbor needs a ride to work and ain't NOTHIN' free in this world. Or maybe you found yourself cash-poor at a very inconvenient time, and you gotta do what you gotta do. These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to have sex with someone. But here's the thing. Be able to distinguish between each situation, or else you are going to end up hurt.


You know how in the game Tic Tac Toe, you're trying to get three X's or three O's in a row?...horizontally, vertically, or diagonally? Well that has nothing to do with this…I mean, nothing at all.

I talked to a homegirl yesterday who had recently given up the twat (I love the word "twat"…it sounds SO dirty) to a fellow she was dating. Now, her young mister has decided that he doesn't have to call her as frequently. And naturally, this has upset her. So she asked me if she should be upset about the situation, and she is feeling like maybe she shouldn't have had sex with him yet. My response to this was simple: Don't have sex of any kind with a guy who isn't YOUR man unless you're ok with the idea that he's not committed to you…which means he's not obligated to visit, call, take you out on dates etc at any particular frequency. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a bad thing. At all. It doesn't mean don't have casual sex. Casual sex is good. It just means that you have to keep your expectations in check. Her situation is/was only a problem because she expected it to become more than it is/was. Aside from that, there is nothing wrong with dude just being a friend that she sees (read: has sex with) on occasion. Everyone you have sex with doesn't have to be your future boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. And everyone you're initially attracted to doesn't have to end up being more than easy access sex.
Brothas, we're not exempt from this issue, btw. It's not just a woman's problem. We have hang-ups with this shit too…it just plays out differently. While we don't usually find ourselves regretting having sex with a woman "too soon" (whatever that means), we DO attach expectations to women that we're sleeping with just like women attach expectations to men. But that's another blog.

Anyway, the root of this issue, IMO, is twofold. The first is what I mentioned earlier about knowing the difference between the various reasons there are for a person to have sex, and understanding which category you're falling into that night. The second is a matter of perspective. If you've been reading my blogs these past few years, you know that I think it is a HUGE mistake for a woman to view the act of sex as her "giving up" something or giving something to the guy…something that she should otherwise be trying to withhold. Why? Because that makes her expect something in return…even if that is only an expectation of his behavior. Instead a woman (men too) should look at sex as a mutual exchange. Two people (or 3 if you're lucky) having a physical exchange for that moment. And I'm referring to the most basic sense. Of course it can be more complicated. Of course it can be an emotional and spiritual exchange as well. The same rules still apply though…it's a mutual exchange. You should expect nothing more. AND IF YOU DO EXPECT MORE, then there should be NO sex UNLESS dude KNOWS you expect more, and he is all-in on that idea with you (meaning, he's down to meet those expectation).

So what's the point? The point is we let sex complicate things. If you want a commitment of some sort from someone, don't make sex the operating factor in the equation. It shouldn't be the main objective, and it should not be the indicator of whether or not someone loves you or is committed exclusively to you. Again, I'm not saying don't have sex. I'm saying that it shouldn't determine the outcome of the situation….in either direction.

Aight, I think that's all I wanted to say. What do y'all think? Am I downplaying sex? Do y'all think it's more/less important to a relationship-ish situation? Do y'all understand what I mean when I say that this isn't just a woman's problem?

Scream at me!