Objectification of My Affection

(Repost)

I used to be (and still am, for the most part) very cautious of what I say to women. Actually, maybe "aware" is a better word for it than "cautious". Honestly, I think most men are. The line is very thin between showing appreciation, affection, or simple flirting vs saying or doing something that will be taken offense to. And that line seems to be drawn differently for each woman.

This dynamic between us came to mind the other day as I had a conversation with some friends. A female in the group, who we all agree is a very attractive woman (she kinda looks like Res…the singer), expressed that she feels like a lot of men just aren't drawn to her….like men don't approach her. She interprets this interaction (or lack thereof) as men not diggin' her look. Basically, she thinks a lot of guys just don't find her that attractive, physically. She goes on to say something along the lines of, "…I'm a cute girl…I know this…and I'm confident. I'm just saying that it's possible that I don't have 'that thing' (physically) that makes a guy feel like he has to speak to me…" Another girl in the group (who also is attractive) could relate to her. And after a while, they asked us (guys) what we thought they were missing, physically, that keeps men from approaching them or at least paying them compliments.

Now, I know these women. As I said, they're attractive girls, and they're personalities are not off-putting to me. They don't usually have a demeanor that says "Don't talk to me!" And we (the guys) told them that. Surely, men find them attractive. Surely, men notice them. They aren't missing anything, physically. And while there are many possible reasons as to why men aren't acknowledging their physical beauty as often as they think men should be, there's really only one reason I'm focusing on for this blog. And that reason is that a lot of men just don't think complimenting a random woman (or hell, even a woman they know) is worth the possible fallout. In other words, sometimes we're just not sure how a gal is going to take it if we say something nice about their bodies.

Imagine this scenario, ladies. You're at the grocery store in the produce section, trying to find…a ripe zucchini or something, I don't know…whatever. It's after work and you have on a pair of very nicely fitting pants and blouse. As you're going about your business, leaning over to reach a zucchini that is further away from the ledge, some guy approaches you and says something along the lines of, "Excuse me. I saw you over here and I just wanted to tell you that you have one of the loveliest bodies I've ever seen." Tell the truth, are you appreciative of his comment or are you a bit thrown…freaked out even? Chances are, you're a bit thrown. Chances are, you're thinking something like, "Jesus Christ, do men just have to try to holla ALL the time?!" Maybe the location is different. Maybe the circumstances are a bit different. And maybe dude's compliment is a bit more subtle. But my point is that the chances of a woman responding to such a compliment with true, unguarded gratitude are slim. And for a guy who isn't necessarily looking to gain any ground with said woman, there isn't much incentive to make that compliment.

Post-Women's Rights + 90's girl + girl power-era, guys seem to have a complex when it comes to objectifying vs. appreciating women. And women seem to have a complex when it comes to making sure they are appreciated and not allowing themselves to be objectified. I believe that dynamic to be the source of conflict in every guy's mind as he's trying to find "the right" words to express his appreciation of a woman's anatomy. And it's the source of conflict in every woman's mind as she's trying to decide if she should thank a man for his expression of appreciation for her body or slap his face for verbally or physically crossing the line. At some point in history, it seems to have become taboo to appreciate a woman for her physical beauty. Looking is fine, but don't say anything and DEFINITELY don't touch. That's the "rule". And that's why, ladies, most guys who think you are attractive will never do more than just look at you. That is unless they have something to gain by taking a chance and actually telling you what he thinks (i.e. he's looking for a partner…maybe for just that night or maybe for life).

To me, it's no wonder that this group of women (and many others that I know) feel somewhat undervalued, physically. It's no surprise that so many women (and men too, but that's another chapter) feel self-conscious about their bodies. That acknowledgment of physical beauty is either not given or not accepted.

Personally, I compliment my female friends when I feel it is appropriate. Sometimes it's about their personalities or something they did or said. But a lot of times it's purely physical. And to me, that's ok…it's necessary even…for them and for me. We all need to be appreciated, and we all need to be appreciated on all levels. It is not enough to only be appreciated for your mind OR your body, for example. And I need to be able to express my appreciation. I should not be expected to have to withhold that expression because someone might take offense to it. It shouldn't be a big deal for me to tell a friend that she looks great in a certain outfit, or that she has a beautiful smile, or alluring lips, or that her ass looks stunning in a certain pair of jeans. That shouldn't be unacceptable…not if it IS acceptable for me to tell her that she's smart, or that her personality is so inviting, or that her recent financial decisions have been remarkable. Right? It should be equally as insulting to ONLY be appreciated for your mind as it is to ONLY be appreciated for your looks.

When did we, as a society, become so cold…so closed off and unapproachable (or fearful of approaching people)? There's so much concern about our individual spaces being invaded, verbally or physically. You end up having to decide whether you're going to be an 'approacher' or a 'bystander', and suffering the consequences. Sometimes I smile at a random, attractive woman in the mall (because I tend to smile at cute girls…What?!…don't judge me) and she smiles back. I smile at the next woman and she shoots me a look that says "BACK OFF!" I affectionately hug or kiss a female friend and she's receptive and reciprocal…accepting of the love I'm showing her…the physical compliment that I'm paying her. I do the same thing with the next homegirl and maybe she feels awkward and invaded. What gives?

Think about it. Ladies, how do you generally feel when a man compliments you solely on how you look? Be honest. Do you wish more men would compliment you and/or approach you? And guys, do you find it difficult to compliment women, whether they be your friends or strangers? And when you do, what kind of response do you expect? Do you wish it was more acceptable to be more forward with women about their bodies? Scream at me!