In the Interest of Full Disclosure

Here I am again…cold glass of Cognac on the rocks, the new Dwele spinnin' in the background, and the computer in front of me. It feels like old times.



Maybe you've heard me say this before, but it's ironic how fragile relationships are...Even marriage. In fact, especially marriage. Don't get me wrong…I'm not saying it's a house of cards. When I say "fragile", I don't mean that any little thing could end it. Marriage, done the right way (if there is such a thing), is quite the opposite. It can withstand many things. BUT all relationships are a bit delicate when it comes to things being said and feelings being hurt. The wrong thing said, or even the right thing said the wrong way, definitely affects the vibe. It's like throwing a stone into a pond. The stone doesn't hurt the pond really, but the ripples on the surface go on for quite a while.

Which brings me to today's topic: Full disclosure. A lot of people talk the talk about the clear and honest truth. And on the other hand, a lot of people say that one shouldn't ask questions that one does not want the answers to. But the fact is, reality is somewhere in between.

You see, no one really ever wants the whole truth about everything. We only think we do. Sure, you might want to know the general gist of things. But rarely is the case that you want to know the details…particularly when those details might be painful. I'll give you an example. One of my boys is getting married this year. He's having his bachelor party in Las Vegas. Now, he's going to go to Vegas, have a great time with the boys, and do the things that a bachelor-to-be does at his bachelor party. When he comes back home, though, his fiancé will surely ask how the trip was. And she'll continue to dig and dig and dig for information until she inevitably learns something about the trip that will upset her and cause turmoil in the relationship. And she'll either retaliate somehow in some form, or she'll at least throw those details in his face every time she gets a chance. THAT is full disclosure…telling someone EVERYthing.

How about another example? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl date. Boy and girl have sex. Boy and girl have sex regularly, and things start to get serious. At some point, boy and girl have "the talk" about their respective sexual pasts. And it is here that boy commits the cardinal sin. He asks girl how many partners she's had or how many dicks she's sucked or some foolish question. In the interest of full disclosure (because she doesn't want to be dishonest), she tells him. And whether she says 5 or 50, the answer makes him nauseous. For the remaining duration of the relationship, that will be an issue between them. THAT is also full disclosure.

Sometimes the painful details of the truth can be unbearable. And we often suffer them unnecessarily as we try to uphold some gold-standard of truth in a relationship. I've learned that you have to decide if some details are important enough to the health of relationship to disclose them or not. You have to understand the worth of the details, whether you're asking the question or being asked the question. If boy really digs girl and she brings him no drama, and she's not a Petri dish of STD's, does it really matter that she has fucked 25 guys over the course of her sexual life? No. It shouldn't, at least. What matters is that boy isn't going to have to run into all of these former lovers, and that she's faithful, and ummm…STD-less. And as for the bachelor…does it really matter what exactly he did during his bachelor party in Vegas as long as he didn't cross any agreed upon lines set forth by his Mrs-to-be prior to the trip? No…it doesn't.

*le sigh* But it's more complicated than just logic, isn't it? Life rarely happens so neatly. Not asking questions that you're not sure you want the answers to is hard. But it's easy when compared to YOU being asked a question by your loving partner and thus having to decide how much of the truth you can withhold without feeling like a lying bastard. The simple fact is that people are messy. Our pasts are messy. Our feelings are messy. Our inner-most desires, urges, and thoughts are MESSY. And while you and your partner are close and share virtually everything with one another, some parts of us are best left tucked under the bed…hidden from plain sight. Granted, I'm not talking about dark secrets that have "fuck up your life" potential. Remember…I'm just talking about details.

In a good relationship, you have the responsibility to be upfront, open, and honest with your partner. But in a great relationship, you also have the responsibility to protect your partner (and the relationship) from their own curiosity. And that doesn't mean you have to lie. But sometimes it means you have to withhold or misdirect or selectively misinform. If you watch internet porn when your woman isn't around, and she might or might not approve of your umm habit, perhaps you are better off not letting her know about it. Sure, she might not have a problem with it. But then again, she might not approve…and not to a point where she wants to break up with you, but only to a point where she makes smug, annoying-ass comments about it to her girlfriends…and your mom. That's one hell of a ripple, right? So why make waves. Just keep it to yourself.

So I'll ask you all…where is that line between a slick, cover-your-ass lie and a loving little half-truth? How do you decide whether or not YOU should disclose all of the details of a particular situation? And what have YOU lied about...ummm...I mean not quite fully disclosed to a mate?

Be Prepared

I like to know what I'm getting into so I can be prepared…all the time. This means I always need a plan. Or should I say, "I need to plan?" Surprises? I hate 'em. See, I'm uncomfortable when I go into a situation blindly or when I go into a situation unprepared. So I always have to be 'at the ready'. This is the source of a lot of stress for me. It's a personality trait, and at times, it is a flaw. Do you realize how stressful it is?...to constantly be "ready" for whatever happens? It is absolutely exhausting. And for me, it applies to major situations and to the trivial. I'll give you an example.

Ever been invited to a friend's house for a gathering, and by the way they talk about the event, it's just going to be you and yours, and maybe another 2 to 4 people? You accept the invitation, but when you show up, there are 10 to 15 people there that you hadn't planned on being around, and at least 8 of which you don't even know. Some people may think that's a minor hiccup. But that seemingly trivial situation makes me a bit uncomfortable. It's not that there are 8 or so random mofos there that I don't know, it's the fact that I wasn't mentally prepared to meet 8 new people. So for at least a moment, the air is a little thick to me…the walls start closing in, and the room gets a little smaller and warmer. Sound strange or can you relate?

Understand what I'm saying here. If my homie calls me and says, "Yo, I'm throwing a party. You should come through." I'm game! And I'm prepared to run into hundreds of unfamiliar bastids because it's a party! I'm mentally ready for the situation. No problem. It's the difference between what is expected that makes me uncomfortable.

That scenario is one of many. And this "lesson" I've learned about myself is also one of many.

It's funny what you learn about yourself as you get older. Every time I overhear some 21-year-olds talk about what they want and what they know, I can't help but chuckle to myself. You're so certain at that age, aren't you…so sure? Everything is absolute in your mind. It's either black or it's white…no gray area at all. The thing is, you don't know sh*t when you're that young. You haven't even fully learned yourself yet…not even in the physical sense. You don't know what you like, only what you've been told to like. You don't know what you're into, who you're compatible with, or what makes you tic. You really don't even fully understand your sexuality…what things you like that make your blood simmer in the throes of passion. You have no idea what you're doing. Yet…you're so sure. You plow through your life with a foolish boldness and confidence. Because that's who you are - - before the realities of the life experience begins to replace your blind, bold confidence with caution and anxiety. That's who you are before you find out that being a grown-up is at least as full of responsibility as it is with conquest. That's who you are before you realize how much your dream lifestyle is actually going to cost…before you realize that your ability to curl the opposite sex's toes isn't even half of the battle. I envy and pity them simultaneously.

So as I knock on the door of 30 (F*ck! I'll be 30 in less than a year!? Where did the time go?!), I have become more accepting of some things. At the moment, none of those things are bigger than this one realization: I can NOT be prepared for everything, and damnit I'm going to stop trying to do so. Don't get me wrong…I'll prepare for the things that are necessary, just not EVERY single aspect of my life. I am going to master the art of taking it as it comes. It's high time I roll with the punches. As often as I can be, I'll be a leaf on the wind…a buoy on the sea.

Maybe I'll find some unexpected fun. After all, part of the joy of life is the adventure that results from delving into the unknown. I'd like to shake my "preparation addiction" before I have kids. I hear that parents discover new things through their children's eyes and experiences. If that's true, I'd hate to ruin that by being ready for every surprise. This is going to be a good thing for me. At the very least, I'll be less stressed.

So. Tell me what you don't like have learned about yourself.