Date Deez

I was talking to one of my homegirls the other day, whom is also married. We hadn't spoken in a while so we caught up a bit. After I asked her about her husband and whatnot, I decided to ask about a couple of her friends. I'm familiar with some of them, as she's spoken about them throughout our tenure as pals. It went a little something like this:

Goodnight: How's Keri doing these days?
Bee: Oh, her and her guy broke up a while ago. So she's been complaining to me about having to date again (please notice the wording of that phrase, people).
Goodnight: *Cringe* Woo! Can you imagine!? Ugh!
Bee: I know, right! God. Having to get to know somebody again…and go through all of that…again.
Goodnight: And that's best case scenario! You're probably going to just run into a bunch of mu-f*ckas that burn through your patience. I hate people.
Bee: The thing that's annoying is all of that time it takes to find out if y'all are actually compatible.

There was more, but I'll stop here.

Aside from the melodrama that you get when two married-ass-ninjas air their fears of having to be NOT-married again, we began thinking about why the concept seems so haunting. If you talk to most late 20-somethings and early 30-somethings, you'll probably find that they absolutely detest the idea of having to date again. And I guess the operative word here is "again". Dating is fun…when you're 21 and everything is new. But once it has become old-hat, repetitive, emotionally draining, and painful, you kinda just want to skip the intro and get right to the song, so to speak. And that's how you probably feel if you're married, have been boo'd up for any significant amount of time, or if you've become kinda 'done' with dating in general, and thus have gone on strike.

Really, it's a testament to how much hard work goes into making a relationship work, if you think about it. But I digress.

The very thought of actually having to go through the process just makes you nauseous. For some reason, I feel like 28 to 32 year-olds dislike the idea more than oh say someone in their early 40's would. Why? Because if you have to 'get back out there' at 40 after being boo'd up or flat out on strike for the past 10 years, at least there's the possibility of some newness. At least you have had time to get bored with not-dating. And the game has probably had time to change (I guess), and that also is enough time for there to be some new folks on the market. I'm not saying a 40 year old would love the idea of having to date again, but I feel like there's room for more excitement in that case. If you're 29, you probably haven't been fed up with dating for too long (2 to 4 years, tops). Dating again would be the equivalent of getting back in the shower 3 minutes after you've gotten out and already toweled yourself down. Now you gotta get wet again. The first shower felt great, but damn, you gotta take another one?! You're ready to get in the bed, already. It ain't gonna kill you - - but WTF, you know?

Anyways, what makes the idea of dating again so scary (read: annoying)? Is it the fear of getting hurt if you open yourself up? Is it that you can't imagine having the patience to meet someone, get to know them, and find out if you're compatible? Or is it more so about having to convince someone else to accept your ass and all of you quirks (read: flaws)? Or does the concept not annoy you at all?

Holla at me!

Objectification of My Affection

(Repost)

I used to be (and still am, for the most part) very cautious of what I say to women. Actually, maybe "aware" is a better word for it than "cautious". Honestly, I think most men are. The line is very thin between showing appreciation, affection, or simple flirting vs saying or doing something that will be taken offense to. And that line seems to be drawn differently for each woman.

This dynamic between us came to mind the other day as I had a conversation with some friends. A female in the group, who we all agree is a very attractive woman (she kinda looks like Res…the singer), expressed that she feels like a lot of men just aren't drawn to her….like men don't approach her. She interprets this interaction (or lack thereof) as men not diggin' her look. Basically, she thinks a lot of guys just don't find her that attractive, physically. She goes on to say something along the lines of, "…I'm a cute girl…I know this…and I'm confident. I'm just saying that it's possible that I don't have 'that thing' (physically) that makes a guy feel like he has to speak to me…" Another girl in the group (who also is attractive) could relate to her. And after a while, they asked us (guys) what we thought they were missing, physically, that keeps men from approaching them or at least paying them compliments.

Now, I know these women. As I said, they're attractive girls, and they're personalities are not off-putting to me. They don't usually have a demeanor that says "Don't talk to me!" And we (the guys) told them that. Surely, men find them attractive. Surely, men notice them. They aren't missing anything, physically. And while there are many possible reasons as to why men aren't acknowledging their physical beauty as often as they think men should be, there's really only one reason I'm focusing on for this blog. And that reason is that a lot of men just don't think complimenting a random woman (or hell, even a woman they know) is worth the possible fallout. In other words, sometimes we're just not sure how a gal is going to take it if we say something nice about their bodies.

Imagine this scenario, ladies. You're at the grocery store in the produce section, trying to find…a ripe zucchini or something, I don't know…whatever. It's after work and you have on a pair of very nicely fitting pants and blouse. As you're going about your business, leaning over to reach a zucchini that is further away from the ledge, some guy approaches you and says something along the lines of, "Excuse me. I saw you over here and I just wanted to tell you that you have one of the loveliest bodies I've ever seen." Tell the truth, are you appreciative of his comment or are you a bit thrown…freaked out even? Chances are, you're a bit thrown. Chances are, you're thinking something like, "Jesus Christ, do men just have to try to holla ALL the time?!" Maybe the location is different. Maybe the circumstances are a bit different. And maybe dude's compliment is a bit more subtle. But my point is that the chances of a woman responding to such a compliment with true, unguarded gratitude are slim. And for a guy who isn't necessarily looking to gain any ground with said woman, there isn't much incentive to make that compliment.

Post-Women's Rights + 90's girl + girl power-era, guys seem to have a complex when it comes to objectifying vs. appreciating women. And women seem to have a complex when it comes to making sure they are appreciated and not allowing themselves to be objectified. I believe that dynamic to be the source of conflict in every guy's mind as he's trying to find "the right" words to express his appreciation of a woman's anatomy. And it's the source of conflict in every woman's mind as she's trying to decide if she should thank a man for his expression of appreciation for her body or slap his face for verbally or physically crossing the line. At some point in history, it seems to have become taboo to appreciate a woman for her physical beauty. Looking is fine, but don't say anything and DEFINITELY don't touch. That's the "rule". And that's why, ladies, most guys who think you are attractive will never do more than just look at you. That is unless they have something to gain by taking a chance and actually telling you what he thinks (i.e. he's looking for a partner…maybe for just that night or maybe for life).

To me, it's no wonder that this group of women (and many others that I know) feel somewhat undervalued, physically. It's no surprise that so many women (and men too, but that's another chapter) feel self-conscious about their bodies. That acknowledgment of physical beauty is either not given or not accepted.

Personally, I compliment my female friends when I feel it is appropriate. Sometimes it's about their personalities or something they did or said. But a lot of times it's purely physical. And to me, that's ok…it's necessary even…for them and for me. We all need to be appreciated, and we all need to be appreciated on all levels. It is not enough to only be appreciated for your mind OR your body, for example. And I need to be able to express my appreciation. I should not be expected to have to withhold that expression because someone might take offense to it. It shouldn't be a big deal for me to tell a friend that she looks great in a certain outfit, or that she has a beautiful smile, or alluring lips, or that her ass looks stunning in a certain pair of jeans. That shouldn't be unacceptable…not if it IS acceptable for me to tell her that she's smart, or that her personality is so inviting, or that her recent financial decisions have been remarkable. Right? It should be equally as insulting to ONLY be appreciated for your mind as it is to ONLY be appreciated for your looks.

When did we, as a society, become so cold…so closed off and unapproachable (or fearful of approaching people)? There's so much concern about our individual spaces being invaded, verbally or physically. You end up having to decide whether you're going to be an 'approacher' or a 'bystander', and suffering the consequences. Sometimes I smile at a random, attractive woman in the mall (because I tend to smile at cute girls…What?!…don't judge me) and she smiles back. I smile at the next woman and she shoots me a look that says "BACK OFF!" I affectionately hug or kiss a female friend and she's receptive and reciprocal…accepting of the love I'm showing her…the physical compliment that I'm paying her. I do the same thing with the next homegirl and maybe she feels awkward and invaded. What gives?

Think about it. Ladies, how do you generally feel when a man compliments you solely on how you look? Be honest. Do you wish more men would compliment you and/or approach you? And guys, do you find it difficult to compliment women, whether they be your friends or strangers? And when you do, what kind of response do you expect? Do you wish it was more acceptable to be more forward with women about their bodies? Scream at me!

In the Interest of Full Disclosure

Here I am again…cold glass of Cognac on the rocks, the new Dwele spinnin' in the background, and the computer in front of me. It feels like old times.



Maybe you've heard me say this before, but it's ironic how fragile relationships are...Even marriage. In fact, especially marriage. Don't get me wrong…I'm not saying it's a house of cards. When I say "fragile", I don't mean that any little thing could end it. Marriage, done the right way (if there is such a thing), is quite the opposite. It can withstand many things. BUT all relationships are a bit delicate when it comes to things being said and feelings being hurt. The wrong thing said, or even the right thing said the wrong way, definitely affects the vibe. It's like throwing a stone into a pond. The stone doesn't hurt the pond really, but the ripples on the surface go on for quite a while.

Which brings me to today's topic: Full disclosure. A lot of people talk the talk about the clear and honest truth. And on the other hand, a lot of people say that one shouldn't ask questions that one does not want the answers to. But the fact is, reality is somewhere in between.

You see, no one really ever wants the whole truth about everything. We only think we do. Sure, you might want to know the general gist of things. But rarely is the case that you want to know the details…particularly when those details might be painful. I'll give you an example. One of my boys is getting married this year. He's having his bachelor party in Las Vegas. Now, he's going to go to Vegas, have a great time with the boys, and do the things that a bachelor-to-be does at his bachelor party. When he comes back home, though, his fiancé will surely ask how the trip was. And she'll continue to dig and dig and dig for information until she inevitably learns something about the trip that will upset her and cause turmoil in the relationship. And she'll either retaliate somehow in some form, or she'll at least throw those details in his face every time she gets a chance. THAT is full disclosure…telling someone EVERYthing.

How about another example? Boy meets girl. Boy and girl date. Boy and girl have sex. Boy and girl have sex regularly, and things start to get serious. At some point, boy and girl have "the talk" about their respective sexual pasts. And it is here that boy commits the cardinal sin. He asks girl how many partners she's had or how many dicks she's sucked or some foolish question. In the interest of full disclosure (because she doesn't want to be dishonest), she tells him. And whether she says 5 or 50, the answer makes him nauseous. For the remaining duration of the relationship, that will be an issue between them. THAT is also full disclosure.

Sometimes the painful details of the truth can be unbearable. And we often suffer them unnecessarily as we try to uphold some gold-standard of truth in a relationship. I've learned that you have to decide if some details are important enough to the health of relationship to disclose them or not. You have to understand the worth of the details, whether you're asking the question or being asked the question. If boy really digs girl and she brings him no drama, and she's not a Petri dish of STD's, does it really matter that she has fucked 25 guys over the course of her sexual life? No. It shouldn't, at least. What matters is that boy isn't going to have to run into all of these former lovers, and that she's faithful, and ummm…STD-less. And as for the bachelor…does it really matter what exactly he did during his bachelor party in Vegas as long as he didn't cross any agreed upon lines set forth by his Mrs-to-be prior to the trip? No…it doesn't.

*le sigh* But it's more complicated than just logic, isn't it? Life rarely happens so neatly. Not asking questions that you're not sure you want the answers to is hard. But it's easy when compared to YOU being asked a question by your loving partner and thus having to decide how much of the truth you can withhold without feeling like a lying bastard. The simple fact is that people are messy. Our pasts are messy. Our feelings are messy. Our inner-most desires, urges, and thoughts are MESSY. And while you and your partner are close and share virtually everything with one another, some parts of us are best left tucked under the bed…hidden from plain sight. Granted, I'm not talking about dark secrets that have "fuck up your life" potential. Remember…I'm just talking about details.

In a good relationship, you have the responsibility to be upfront, open, and honest with your partner. But in a great relationship, you also have the responsibility to protect your partner (and the relationship) from their own curiosity. And that doesn't mean you have to lie. But sometimes it means you have to withhold or misdirect or selectively misinform. If you watch internet porn when your woman isn't around, and she might or might not approve of your umm habit, perhaps you are better off not letting her know about it. Sure, she might not have a problem with it. But then again, she might not approve…and not to a point where she wants to break up with you, but only to a point where she makes smug, annoying-ass comments about it to her girlfriends…and your mom. That's one hell of a ripple, right? So why make waves. Just keep it to yourself.

So I'll ask you all…where is that line between a slick, cover-your-ass lie and a loving little half-truth? How do you decide whether or not YOU should disclose all of the details of a particular situation? And what have YOU lied about...ummm...I mean not quite fully disclosed to a mate?